The moment you pursued me, I built those walls to protect my heart from confusion and lies.

There was peace and I don’t have to be concerned from the pressure people throwing at me. You chose me and prayed all my life to heighten my hearts desire to serve you.

I never talk about my heart to just anyone these past years. And accepted the thoughts of the people since they don’t owe me an explanation. I know my stand, I stand with my convictions. And my heart is already secured in You—the most safest place.

A little back track on the story why I’ve built such walls, as my thoughts are sure that this person is not for me. I’m just sure of it since I prayed for it. Until then, I never prayed for a partner ever since I lose hope of men with the same belief. Until such time that He rescues me and healed me from all hurts and possible heartaches. I learned to be still and discern. It felt like the enemy always attacks my heart since more than He is a Father to me, Jesus has always been my lover. That even on my 18th birthday, I set aside the 18th flower for Him (it’s a shallow thing, but it’s a big deal for me)

There was a season in my life, where I turned away from Him, I ran away, and fill in those gaps giving my love and pain to men with mutual understanding only. I tried to avoid to be played at and in the end, it seems that I was the one who hurt them. It took me years to forgive myself and the people who made my heart cry. That liberating feeling is the best feeling I would always look back. It humbles me and prune me in this area. It’s a painful yet beautiful pruning in my life. That when a person who’s gonna try to break that wall can’t even do it because it was built in Him. And I always believe that He’s gonna protect me at all cost when I ask in prayer. He is always the keeper of my heart.

I build healthy friendship and never expect anything from them without clarity. Learning it the hard way.

It’s easy to turn down men when you know they are trying to just play it safe, most especially men who are not sure of you.

If he is not all in – get out! We’re not here to play games.

As the years goes, it came to a point that there was this man whose intentions are pure and he learned it the hard way, he says, that after years of not pursuing anyone at all, it is his decision to not date or pursue anyone whom he doesn’t want to marry because he prayed for it. At the back of my mind “same here”.

It was a healthy getting to know because we are both clear ending it the right way since my priority to be at peace is to surrender and submit my thoughts and heart to an all-knowing God. This was my prayer the first time he asked me for dinner and talked about a lot of things, “Lord, if he’s not the person you prepared for me, remove Him in my life” and cried out to Him and I prayed for this man not to be led by emotions and spur of the moment. It was a spirit-filled getting to know stage. That before I speak, I prayed. But of course, before I gave him a chance to know me, I seek advise from my leaders. And even he talked to them of his intention. He made it clear by the way. According to him, he likes me, and knowing me even more makes him want to pursue me, but, he was scared to have an LDR kind of relationship, he has to build his life in another country and he doesn’t want to make me wait for him. At the same time, he is trying to consider not to go at all. I know where this leads but I don’t want that I will be the one to tell him that.

If you are to ask me that time, we do complement, but there are a lot of things to consider that concerns me. I became prayerful 100x that time, I’m not exaggerating at all. I really prayed minutes or hours in a day not to be led by this man’s ways. It’s crucial for me since after years of not entertaining men, here he comes, perfectly fit for someone’s ideal. But the good thing about it, is that I am at peace knowing that the Lord is my GPS. They say that the 2nd most important decision is your partner.

And so, I told him to pray and spend time with yourself and ask God’s guidance in your decision in life, the same way as I am doing. I honestly included him in my prayers that he’s gonna follow whatever the Lord is telling him. After weeks of giving him the space and time, he didn’t even last 3 days not to communicate; anyway, he was just giving updates. And when the time is right to ask him direct question since he thanked me for giving him the chance and reminding him of his quiet time. I asked, how was it? He then run on and shares what he learned. In relation, I asked him what his expectation from me. He was pressured that after getting to know, he must date and then marry. I laugh about it inside, since I didn’t expected he was so rush to have those thoughts already. I told him, you didn’t even know me just yet. And I make it clear to him that yes I agree to him that we must date to marry. Still, it doesn’t mean that you’re gonna marry the person you date, just because that is how it is supposed to.

I remembered him asking me, should he go and pursue his career. It was a big yes from me of course. I want him to go a long way and find the deepest longing he has and from the looks of it after conversing and asking him questions, his heart is always in his home, a foreign land to me. After all those eventful weeks and months, as I also spend time praying and reading His word, it was clearer to me that I’m not yet ready to enter such relationship. So we decided not to continue. And he was even telling me that he still wants to know me more. For me, it is best to preserve his heart for the woman he will pursue when he is 100% sure of.

And I learned, that as much as we ladies wanted clear intention, these men also wants a respond from us. We also need to be clear. If you don’t like him, tell him. You have to communicate! That man is different but also the same with you. He is not a mind reader. He doesn’t have super powers. He’s not your saviour, okay? He’s also vulnerable like you. He needs you as well. We are not called Ezer Kenegdo “helpmate”, if men doesn’t need us as to how God designs it to be.

So last month, I was stuck with the question how are the things in my heart. So let’s talk about it now. My heart was tired, yes. A lot of times, it doesn’t make any sense. It was restless. I am restless.

My heart was made restless, because that’s how it is supposed to function. But if your mind goes along with it, then that’s another story.

You see, the person I mentioned and even my friends closest to me tells me I’m a mind over heart, kind of person. But when that person told me that, I was taken aback, questioning myself if it was a compliment or a problem.

Then I start making amends with myself, spent most of my time by myself, to answer those bogging question. Then at some point along the way, I honestly wanted someone to call my person, for real. So I embraced that thought and let go of what keeps holding me — overthinking of things that are yet to happen. What I’m saying is that I have to actively wait. Cooperate when there’s a need to. Keeping on reminding myself along the way to stand on my ground. Don’t allow yourself to be led by feelings.

Be intentional in your relationships. Keep it healthy! Be real.

As my father tells me on that conversation we’re having regarding relationships, you have to fight for something you love. You’ll know when to step back and walk away. Forgiving is loving. And you have to forgive each other every single day.

Then I asked him, what keeps you in the relationship, knowing mama’s personality. He then said, Be kind always. By the way, he’s the most kindest, and people who knew him can attest to that. Be generous if you have something to share. If you will be married, you don’t change your personality because that is the reason why you even started dating that person.

I would always remember those deep small talks we had, since my father is the most introverted person I know of. Just small talks, quiet, and sometimes gossips like your best friend.

I probably got those values from him.

People tend to comment I must have high standards. Nowadays, being single seems like you’ve missed half of your life, you’re not part of the community. Well, I love being different, in a way that I don’t have to follow the trend or the obsession of having a partner.

We all have standards so long as it’s realistic. And I always remind my closest friends you don’t have to lower such to be with someone and accept approval from society. I just want the best for them! Just be the right person you accept. Don’t ask for qualities to someone, that you know you also don’t have.

It’s not wrong to love yourself, loving yourself too much is. Selfless love works!

Having the heart of a servant leader is the highest form of love in every area of your life, I would say.

Tell you heart not to act out when your lonely. Love when you’re ready! Commitment!

“It’s no mystery what the difference is
Between love that lasts and one that’s caving in
It takes more than a feeling if you wanna survive
In a world that blurs the lines between wrong right
Trades true love for a compromise

I wanna finish the life we started
I wanna be two old beautiful souls that stayed with it
And in those times our feelings fade I’m gonna give you the one thing
That makes all the difference
Commitment

Some people say, you shouldn’t have to change
Somebody should love me exactly the way I am
Maybe it’s true, but I’ll do whatever it takes
To help you realize that I’m in for life
To lift you up and lay down my pride
Oh yeah

Cause I wanna finish the life we started
I wanna be two old beautiful souls that stayed with it
And in those times our feelings fade I’m gonna give you the one thing
That makes all the difference
You have my commitment

I’m with you, through any kind of weather
I’m with you, sunny days or disaster
I still do, and it’s never gonna matter
What we’re going through, cause we’re in this together

And I wanna finish the way we started
Just two broken souls clinging on to Jesus
We’ve seen His faithfulness and grace and I wanna love you that way”