Last year, a lot of times I felt your silence. The world is loud and I failed you in those moments. My bed, my notes, your truth, and those tears witnessed our silent battles. What a year full of variables. Surpisingly unpredictable for a lady who’s always up to plan D. Detour, detour! Routes chosen could be different. I was stuck in a hamster wheel. A wheel of events accompanied by sadness and questions and doubt. It was my will and my nature to resolve hand in hand, to make amends. No wonder I felt the void. I choose physical rest on the days I needed it most. But it was not enough. I just have to keep showing up.

I realized I was relying on my own little strength.

Where could this go wrong? There was a moment I don’t want to step forward, fearing that it will be another risk or wrong move. It seem like I was in the depth of an ocean and swimming without reaching the surface. You get tired so you don’t have a choice but to just stop yourself from doing anything. Immovable.

My work was an answered prayer, doing quiet time with you and, to be used in the ministry. It was fulfilling and exciting. Early that year, unforeseen circumstances happened at work that I chose to let go doing the things I love to do. My heart and mind was tired. I was physically tired. Everytime I remember those moments when I felt so alone, questioning myself, why am I all doing these? My mother who keeps on telling me to let go of the stressors in life. And I just turn my head around then lulling on my bed. My heart sank and kept on. I prayed and trusted you that there is an end to this life-sucking norm.

I was longing and thirsty for you. The moment I was encouraged by you, another difficult situation coming. We had a lot of silent moments. No words at all. It was like you are breathing with no air. Drinking without a drink. I remained silent and was waiting for you.

I drafted my intention around April. And use people to intervene. A question no one asked. That it made me think again as I was very sure that I’m giving it up that time.

You know how much I cried that day. You know how words could not express what I felt.

And then I find myself back in my four walled room. There’s no one but yourself and God. A glimpse of solace. A place at rest.

I listened. All I made was a choice.

All my plans were ruined but I love how you ruined them. Because I know something is brewing. It’s still a variable though. The pain that you’ve been feeling cannot compare to the joy that’s coming. Romans 8:18

Choices are made based on circumstances. Now, I understand people whose choices are not what they wanted.

A sudden drop of hint, and it hits me like a wave. How could I not listen. I may be quiet but my heart is not.

God will interupt your entire life to get your attention.

My attitude sucks. When you have to shake things up for me to realize that only you can satisfy me. I am always confronted by Your word.

And it doesn’t end there, I was hospitalized for some reason. But this time, it was not painful, I was enthralled by the beauty and favor you display. I get to experience a paradise-like on earth. A whiff of eden.

But you were making a memorable and profound point.

You’re making things happen for me. All I have to do is wait on you. You affirmed a lot of times. Habbakuk 2:3, Isaiah 60:22, Psalm 116:7, Isaiah 41:10: Zephaniah, 3:17

You reveled me with your words that left me astounded as I write this up. All the “little affairs of my heart” you remove it slowly and grace me to handle it all.

Hephzibah “your delight is in me” I was reminded of your promises way back March 2020. And lead me to the promises you fulfilled with Abraham, Moses, Sarah, Isaac, and Rahab. And even the Canaanite woman. And all along, it was by their faith and dependence on you that has brought them to great places.

I was caught up in comfort, but there’s no comfort in war. And by war means walking in love and removing the full armour at times I don’t need them.

Sometimes, being naked is the real strength and power. May you find that rest in God’s garden!